In Which Joe is a Genius
by Sea Biscuit x
Summary: J.O.N.A.S, non-spy. Joe is a nerd. Nick is sick of it. Kevin is sick of it. OH NO, what will happen next? WARNING FOR BRAIN-NUMBING IDIOCY INSIDE.


_**Author's Note:**  
Uh, I don't know why I'm writing these retarded fics.  
This was inspired by that one episode of 'Living the Dream', when Joe unleashes his inner nerd. Only in this fic, uh, he IS his inner nerd.__  
Flame or whatever you people like to do. I'm just having fun. Oh, and by the way, I don't think there's really a test you can take that certifies you as a genius. And to my knowledge, "Advanced Physics Only to be Attempted by Really Smart People" is not a real book.  
I am in no way trying to make fun of nerds. I'm a nerd myself, which would explain why I spend all my free time glued in front of the computer._

"Dude, Joe. Stop it with the annoying laugh."

"EHEHEHEHE."

"Joe, can you please shut up? I'm trying to watch TV."

"EHEHEHOHOHOHEHE."

"Oh. My. God." I threw the remote control down, exasperated. "You know, Joe, for someone so smart, you're honestly one hundred percent stupid."

"You're just jealous of the advanced rate of cognitive processing in my cerebrum."

"Can you please speak in English? I can't understand."

"Well, of course. I don't expect a n00b like you to comprehend my intelligence."

"What the fuck is a noob?"

"You." He grinned stupidly at me, pulling his pants up higher, which was quite an accomplishment, seeing that they were already pulled up past his stomach.

"Is that supposed to be an insult or something?"

"Affirmative."

"Okay. Whatever. I'm going to get some pie from the fridge," I shrugged, deciding to just ignore my brother completely.

"I WANT SOME 3.14159265 -"

I got up and fled before he could continue, knowing very well that he had pi memorized up to the two-hundreth digit.

I don't know why I was still letting him get to me. I mean, I've been dealing with this since forever. Joe had taken some sort of test when he was six years old, and was certified as an official genius. It came as no surprise to my parents – he'd started talking at the ripe old age of one month, was devouring books by the age of two, and had skipped three grades of elementary school and a grade of high school. While other kids were still getting hooked on phonics, Joe was whizzing through "War and Peace". By the time he was five, his list of favorite reading material did not include "Cat in the Hat", but instead, accomodated titles such as "The Great Gatsby", "Oliver Twist", "One Hundred Years of Solitude", and "Advanced Physics Only to be Attempted by Really Smart People".

I slumped into a kitchen chair, rubbing my temples.

"You okay?" Kevin looked at me from across the table, spraying bits of chewed up blueberry pie all over the place.

"Joe's being a pain in the ass."

"Tough." Kevin nodded sympathetically. He shoved the half-eaten pie at me. "Want some?"

"Sure." I picked up a fork and viciously plunged it into the pie, pretending it was Joe's face.

"Someone's angry," he observed.

"Why can't I be smart?" I groaned, stabbing the pie over and over, leaving tiny little holes in it from the prongs of the fork.

"I wonder that myself sometimes," he admitted.

"Yeah, but at least you're smarter than me. I'm failing Geometry and Joe, who's only two years older than me, is already in his third year of college."

"You think you have it bad?" Kevin snorted, "I'm the one that goes to the same school as that dweeb."

I shrugged. "Well, you know that he's transferring to Princeton next year. You'll be alright after that."

"True, but I don't think I can stand him for that long. Especially because he said 'I wish I was a DNA polymerase so I could unzip your genes' to my girlfriend yesterday."

I practically choked on the pie. "He was hitting on your girlfriend?"

"Pretty much. She said it was cute," Kevin groaned, putting his head down.

"Don't worry." I patted his arm comfortingly. "I' m pretty sure -"

"EHEHEHEHEHEH."

I froze. It was that laugh again. I turned around slowly. Joe stood there in all his glory – bright yellow, Pokemon T-Shirt, brown corduroy pants, leather suspenders, greasy hair, and glow in the dark braces, and glasses with inch-thick lenses.

"What is up, my homies?" he asked, wiggling his arms around in an attempt to be 'cool'.

"Fuck off," Kevin mumbled.

Joe looked shocked. "Do you kiss your mother with that potty mouth?"

"No, but I kiss my girlfriend."

"You are revolting," Joe said accusingly.

"Says the guy who doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom," Kevin retorted. I gave him a high-five.

"Not only do I not wash my hands, I do not flush the toilet, either," he said, sounding extremely proud of himself, "I am merely trying to conserve our limited resources."

"That's nasty," I said.

He ignored me, descending upon the '3.14' instead.

"Dude, Joe, slow down, you're going to choke."

He stopped eating and his eyes suddenly lit up. "Would you like to hear a… what do you people call them… oh, yes! Would you two like to hear a joke?"

"No." I scowled.

"Sure, why not?" Kevin said, sounding bored,

"Okay, Kevin. What does Nicholas resemble?"

"I dunno. What does Nick resemble?"

"A NONPOLAR COVALENT BOND!" he screeched, howling with laughter.

"Uh… what? I don't get it."

"You know, because he's not attractive, and nonpolar covalent bonds aren't attractive… EHEHEH!" He wheezed and clutched his sides as Kevin and I stared at him blankly.

"Wow. Funny," I finally said. "Now why don't you go do my math homework for me?"

"Geometry is lightyears below me, you piece of decaying dog feces," he informed.

"Then it should be easy for you."

"Yes, I suppose it should be."

"Then do it."

"Okay," he said cheerfully, skipping out of the room, singing Mariah Carey's "Touch My Body" at the top of his lungs.

"Thank God he's gone," Kevin groaned.

I couldn't have agreed more.

_**Author's Note:**  
In case you didn't get the 'I wish I was a DNA polymerase so I could unzip your genes' pick-up line, genes jeans. HARHARHAR HILARIOUS, RIGHT?  
Okay, I'm really sorry you had to read this. I'm just writing something to try to get my mind going as I struggle for new ideas for a joint write I'm doing. And sorry for the long and pointless ANs.  
Can't wait to read your review, I know there have got to be some good flames!_


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